Payper and their experience with Black Queer Love Joy
Model, author, artist, and influencer, Payper, is on a mission to change the way we think and feel about ourselves. As an advocate for the other, they use their platform to promote narratives of self-love and compassion for ourselves. I have known them for many years and have had the fortune of watching them grow into the person they are today, so when the concept of Black Queer Love Joy came around, they were the first person I thought of.
What were some of your experiences with gender and sexuality growing up? How did those experiences shape who you are today?
It was hard growing up because you really don’t know who you are until you’re older. When I was 18, I knew I liked some girl things, and I liked some boy things, but I never considered being a boy. When I got to college, everything shifted. I started meeting different people and I was in the relationship that I was in at the time and I started getting called out by my friends for gender and sexuality things. I started to question and change my appearance. I was conflicted about juggling masculine and feminine things and I didn’t know who or how to be. In 2018, it started waning out more as I grew into myself. I started to understand that people would accept me for all that I am.
When did you start modeling?
2016. Technically 2014 because of a scout's talent show, signed at 16, and started freelance modeling at 18. I am now resigned as a contracted model. I wanted to start modeling at 14 because of a stupid picture I took on an iPod (really feeling old here). I told my mom I wanted to model and she placed me in modeling school for the next year. Did I learn some things? Yes. Would I ever do it again or place my child in it if they were to want a modeling career? Absolutely not. I’m grateful to have the knowledge they gave me but everything they taught is the thing I was introduced to when I started freelance modeling. Experience can sometimes be better than being taught.
How has modeling impacted your sense of self? Do you feel you have to change yourself?
It definitely changed my perspective of myself. It was eye-opening in a good way and a bad way. On one hand, it gave me a sense of importance and confidence. The downside of that came with excessive self-comparison, if you’re not confident enough, you’re constantly worried about whether you’re good enough. It can really break you or really make you, depending on your mindset. When I was younger, I did feel the need to change to fit a specific look for people that didn’t really matter. Once I started modeling for myself, without outside influence, everything worked out better. I’m now this wonderfully happy, bi, agender person, proud of who I am.
What are your goals with self-care influencing?
My dream job, which I have just gone up for, involves managing influencers. I think, as an influencer, I understand the goals and missions of influencers and I want to help them reach their dreams. I also want to encourage my own followers to start their own self-love journey. The media has really turned a generation against themselves in regards to self-image and self-love. I want to create a space where people feel safe and begin to accept who they are.
What does queer black love joy mean to you?
QBLJ, as a feeling, looks like staying in the house with a significant other or maybe a best friend or group of friends and dancing around the house. That feeling of harmony and contentment is where it’s at.
What would you say to younger people who are following in your footsteps of being a model or who are on their journey of self-discovery?
Life is not as hard as you think it is. Although there will be times that you will feel down and beaten up, you will overcome them. I 100% recommend feeling your feelings. Just sitting with them and acknowledging them. But once you’ve felt them, get up and go. Once you look back days, months, or years later, you’ll say “it wasn’t that serious”. But since you can’t say it now, I will. Life’s not that serious.
